You may remember my seeing my esoteric friend last year in hopes of being able to sleep better. All in all it was a partial success, at least I get some nights with almost uninterrupted sleep, but then there are the other ones, still, that I toss and turn and end up getting up in the middle of the night.
My Juice Plus guru told me about hypnosis therapy in a completely different context, and all of a sudden I started thinking maybe somebody like this might be able to help me?
Today I had my very first hypnosis session!
Before getting to the actual counting backwards and finger snapping, we sat, and the lady asked me a bunch of questions about my life, my parents, my growing up, major life events, especially tough ones.
Of course I mentioned feeling abandoned at the hospital at age five, and my moving to San Diego and back unexpectedly.
"Tell me more" - she thought she was onto something. "How did your 9/11 day unfold?"
I told her.
It was 6am in San Diego, CA, I woke up to my cell phone beeping repeatedly. Friends from Switzerland were texting me.
"Are you safe?"
"Don't go near tall buildings!"
"You're not in NYC, right?"
"The Twin Towers are on fire!"
I was confused. What were they talking about? I turned on the TV and saw the first plane crashing into the tower. Oh my God, what a distasteful and sick animation! It took me a while to realize that this wasn't an animation. This was real, and this was only the beginning.
"Bingo" she said. "You woke up from your peaceful sleep to those terrifying messages and news! No wonder you could never again go to sleep without being afraid that something bad might gonna happen!"
Come on now, this was a long time ago. I didn't even know anybody who got killed. Quite the opposite, actually. A girl from my Swiss town was working nearby and "escaped". She and her coworkers were running many blocks in their high heels until their boss said this was ridiculous and bought them sneakers.
"Don't take this lightly" she said. "Even if your head tells you it's over, your subconscious might still be bothered. Plus it wasn't just the horrible events in the New York area, what about your abruptly packing up and leaving? You were THIS CLOSE of making your dream come true!?"
Did she read my blog?
So we went to work.
Lie down, relax, breathe in, breathe out, and as I am counting to 5, your eyes are gonna get so heavy, you'll want to close them,...
We had to start over because those eyelids of mine weren't getting heavy enough at first ;-)
At some point I saw a scene that I described as the UFO arrival in the E.T. movie. Really! Don't laugh!
"Tell me more, what can you see, is anybody there? How are you feeling?"
I didn't know. Couldn't see anything, except than two really bright spots, really, really close.
The eyes of a black panther!
What's going on here, I thought a wolf was my companion?
"A panther, at the beginning of your life's path, that's awesome, very powerful. What is it telling you?"
Nothing, just standing there, staring at me. I thought it was wise. Protective of me.
"So now I want you to imagine a lit, airy hallway. On your left side there's just a long, white wall. On your right side, there are doors. For every year of your life there is one door. Walk down that aisle now. Tell me what you see! How do you feel, who's there? What door are you gonna open?"
I immediately thought of a hospital corridor. I was alone. Of course. Door number 5. My checking in for the surgery when I was five. My Mom leaving me there, crying.
"So you're in your hospital bed now, feeling all alone?"
"Where is the panther now?
Oh my goodness, he's right there, next to the little girl that I was!
"Hold your panther tight, does this feel comforting?"
"Is it possible that the panther was there with you back then? Looking out for you?"
I guess. Man, too bad I didn't know.
"Would it have made a difference if you had known?"
Of course! I wouldn't have been alone! We could have had fun!
"Allright. We're leaving this year now. I want you to repeat after me: you weren't alone. You'll never be alone. Your panther is with you!"
Then we went to 2001. She asked me to focus on the positive. The people who cared about me and texted me. The fact that I made it home safely with one of the very first flights to Europe. She pointed out that there was nothing I could have done to prevent these attacks from happening, and that I shouldn't feel guilty for not being there (I never even thought of that!) instead to be happy that my number wasn't up yet.
"Repeat after me: those events belong to the past. It was tragic, but I let go of them now. Awful things will always happen. I'll try not to let them get to me. I'm grateful for being alive, and I will live life to the fullest, having fun, being infectiously cheerful and courageous, taking care of my precious son."
That was about it.
I should expect to be shaken up for a couple of days before feeling more calm.
So I thought, as part of the process of letting go of the past, I'll write this post.
Of course I also looked up the black panther. She was right. An awesome, awesome guide and guardian!
Instead of hoarding more Bearistas I should probably wish for a cute, cuddly stuffed black panther!